Medical Social Network News: Healthcare Humor: “Humerus Я Us” Part 6

Mirth Makes for Merry Medicine

By Rick Fromme

Robin Williams as Dr. "Patch Adams"

As I’ve said in a previous blog ― to which the late, great Robin Williams would’ve decried, “Redundant? Redundant! Redundant? Redundant! Redundant? Redundant!" ― the study of laughter, scientifically known as gelotology, has repeatedly shown that humor, laughing, sharing anecdotes, feeling whimsical, etc., is actually good for us physically as well as psychologically. In addition to our core muscles and diaphragm getting stimulated, there are numerous biochemical reactions that are positively affected when we laugh. For example: lowered blood pressure, reduction of stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline, an increase in the response of tumor- and disease-killing cells such as Gamma-interferon and T-cells and much more. (See my previous blog "Humerus Я Us.")

Back by Special Request, More Tom Swifties

For those who are new to this blog and/or Tom Swifties in general, they were created by Edward Stratemeyer. A Tom Swifty (or Tom Swiftie) is a pithy, humorous phrase in a which a sentence is linked by an adverbial pun that’s related to the subject of the phrase.

"I've joined the Airborne Medical Corps," said Tom paradoxically.

“The right side of my abdomen hurts when I lean in that direction,” Tom complained obliquely.

“All I’m allowed to eat after my procedure is Melba toast and juice,” Tom said wryly.

"My stomach hurts, I think I have heartburn," said Tom acidly.

“The medical profession benefited greatly from inventions that came out of NASA’s mission to the moon,” Tom explained apologetically.

"According to the cardiac sonograph, the average frequency of my voice is 160 Hz," said Tom in measured tones.

"I can see naturally without glasses," Tom realized.

"I have to insert this wooden spatula in your mouth," said Dr. Tom depressingly.

“And now, surgical residents, watch how well I make this delicate incision,” Dr. Tom said cuttingly.

“Ok, nurse, you’re right. We’ll use a water-based solution,” Dr. Tom acquiesced.

“The worst part of my surgery? Without a doubt, having to wait for them to remove the endotracheal tube,” Tom choked.

"I suppose I'll have to sign my HIPAA confidentiality form again," said Tom resignedly.

"Bring me a large helping of vanilla with hot fudge," I screamed after the tonsillectomy.

"The optician probably doesn't have my glasses ready yet," Tom speculated.

“You’ve stabbed me, mere mortal! Now I can’t drink your blood,” Dracula screeched painstakingly.

RTs Must Take a Stand

Nurse: What seems to be the problem ma’am?
Patient: My landlord put magnets in my floor and now my breasts are sagging.

EMTs received a frantic call from a man who claimed he'd overdosed and needed help immediately. They arrived on scene and he handed them an empty mint container saying he took them all. That night he learned that you cannot overdose on Altoids.

Promiscuous Punography

I tried to look up impotence on the Internet but nothing came up.

I finally got rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ecstatic.

Laparoscopy shows insight.

I must have been stricken by a bout of that “chalkboard flu” because today I feel remarkable.

I can’t remember ever getting nits as a kid, although I do have a lousy memory.

The new smoking cessation drug is so expensive that it’s shrinking city coffers.

I gave blood the other day, it took a lot out of me.

Termites in the orchestra pit can lead to digestive harp failure.

While I was repulsed by CPR, I didn’t have the heart to tell the medic.

My friend swallowed a cordless vacuum cleaner. They took her to the hospital and she’s picking up nicely.

I don’t have the faintest idea as to why I passed out.

Call Me Maybe - Student Nurse Parody

The ambulance arrived at the ER with a 70-something year old female patient who'd been in a minor car accident. In order to remove the C-collar, the ER PAhad to check for a spinal injury. As he and his team rolled the patient over, he noticed she was wearing a thong. While that itself is not that strange, the fact that it was crocheted made it a little special.

EMTs were called in by the police who'd detained a prostitute who was complaining of a “vaginal pain”
after a night of work. EMTs arrived on scene and did a quick assessment. The woman said she was told by her “co-workers” to use contraceptive jelly and said she'd chosen “Smucker’s” but didn’t know if it was working or not.

Funny Medical Records

A woman comes in to the ER with a complaint of six mosquito bites to the lower leg. She states she's sure that they are mosquito bites because it’s summer, she was outside at night, and she saw and felt each mosquito as she was bitten. When asked if she has ever been bitten by a mosquito before and why she thinks this is an emergency now, the patient replies, “Yes, I’ve been bitten by mosquitoes before but I’ve never had six bites on the same leg.”

A nurse was on duty in the ER, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

Waking Up is Hard to Do

Daffy Definitions

Benign: What we want when we are eight

Bunion: Paul's surname

Carpal: Someone you drive to work with

Castrate: The going price for setting a fracture

Cauterize: What the intern did before he winked at his date

Constipation: Endangered feces

Coronary: Domesticated Yellow Bird

Cystogram: A wire sent to your sister

Denial: Where Cleopatra used to swim

Elixir: What a dog does to his owner when she gives him a bone

Fibrillate: To tell a small lie

Hernia: Pertaining to a female's knee

Humerus: To tell us what we want to hear

Inbred: The best way to have your jam

Intern: One after the other

Intestine: Currently taking an exam

Migraine: What a Russian farmer now says about his harvest

Ova: Finished; done with

Pap Smear: To slander your father

Paradox: Two doctors

Pons: A popular face cream

Rectum: Dang near killed him

Sacrum: Holy

Seizure: Roman Emperor

Sperm: To reject, look away from

Testes: What you order when you don't know what disease a patient has

Tolerance: What you get if you give growth hormone to ants

Urinate: What a nurse would say if a patient asked her what room he's in

Urine: The opposite of "You're out!"

Vertigo: How foreigners ask for directions

White Count: The number of Caucasians

A PA got into a squabble with a grandmother because, as she and her team were performing an LP on her newborn grandson with a 102-degree temperature, the grandmother had touched the sterile field. The PA explained to the woman that she musn't touch anything with the blue paper. Her reply: “Oh honey, you must got me twisted. That tray ain’t contagious now.”

From a psych patient: “Do you have all your kings and queens or do you need more apples and oranges?”

Robin Williams Discusses His Heart Surgery (R.I.P.)

In this sixth installment of "Humerus Я Us," I again briefly described some of the physiological benefits researchers have found that can be attributed to regular doses of laughter, via the study of gelotology. I shared "Tom Swifties," puns, true-but-funny medical stories, videos, cartoons, memes and more ... all designed to get you laughing. If you liked this article, please pass it around and share it with others. If you'd like to share your thoughts, a link, or even a joke, etc., please do so in the Comments section below. And in the words of Robin Williams, always remember to stay a little bit "Full Tilt Bozo."

Rick Fromme combines entrepreneurial enthusiasm with an insider's knowledge of the medical industry to co-found MedMasters.com. Both his drive and perspective helps provide health care professionals with a superior mechanism with which to communicate, network and market their strengths. Prior to founding MedMasters.com, Rick operated a highly successful medical device distributorship. Other milestones in his 12-year career in the medical industry include a key position at a medical device start-up company that was later sold to the Ethicon Endo division of Johnson & Johnson. You may also reach Rick by connecting with him on Facebook, Twitter, Google+, LinkedIn and YouTube.